New moms everywhere can now tell their babies to let go of their tired breasts and grab their piggy banks, because Wal-Mart has announced their plan to begin selling pre-bottled breast milk in all of their stores.
Super Wal-Marts across the country will sell the breast milk, which is to be pumped from lactating women in Indonesia, at their low prices as soon as Jan 2018, according to company executives. The breast milk will be imported to the U.S., and donors will receive approximately seven American dollars per gallon. All women selected will have healthy, tasty, drug and disease free breast milk ready for retail.
“This is profitable for us for so many reasons. But most importantly, there will always be babies. Out of all those babies, millions of them have moms who shop at Wal-Mart and don’t want to breastfeed. In the end, it benefits everyone,” said Wal-Mart executive Brent McGee. “It’s going to be affordable, and it’s going to fill your baby up. It’s also guaranteed to make your baby cry less, and smile more.”
McGee is right. Moms across America have expressed excitement about this new addition to Wal-Mart shelves. “I don’t want to breastfeed, and I can’t afford nor do I appreciate the ingredients that can be found in the formula,” said loyal Wal-Mart customer and soon-to-be mom Krystall Cooper of Lexington, Kentucky. “When this baby gets out of me, I want to drink all the Franzia wine I want, and that’s just not possible with breastfeeding. A girl’s gotta live! Even when she has a baby.”
Lauren Tooney of Tucson, Arizona feels relief. “I already have three kids to take to soccer practice, water polo practice, elocution lessons, piano practice, scuba diving, modeling classes, and I’ve got another kid on the way. I’d love to breastfeed, but I don’t have the time, and my God – have you seen the prices for formula? I can’t breastfeed it while I’m driving, but that was what I was planning on doing before I heard about this amazing Wal-Mart breast milk.”
McGee says that the milk will be part of their Great Value brand, and will be able to be purchased in half or full-gallon sizes, just as regular milk is sold.