WASHINGTON, D.C. – Researchers at the Washington, D.C. House of Agriculture and Animal Affairs say that they expect Pandas will become extinct within the next few months, probably by June of 2017.
“We actually had no idea that pandas were really that rare, because we see pictures of them online all the time,” said HAAA chairman Joel Bornstein. “We thought they were doing pretty good out in the wild, but apparently not. There’s only a couple left.”
The HAAA says they are trying “really hard” to get a couple of pandas to “do their thing” and make some more panda babies, but they’re having a really hard time.
“We got two of the 17 pandas left in the world, and we have been doing everything to get them to have sexy time, but it’s just not working,” said Bornstein. “We’ve tried calming music, chocolates, wine…we even let them watch porn. Nothing has worked.”
The HAAA says that they hope that they can save the population of pandas before it’s too late, but they don’t hold out much hope.