FLORIDA MAN ARRESTED FOR MASTURBATING IN KFC TOILETS

FLORIDA – A group of patrons are trying to recover from an incident they saw on Wednesday which many say left them “with a visual picture that will haunt their dreams forever.” A 48-year-old man, Willie White, was said to have entered the KFC restaurant during lunch rush hour clearly under the influence of drugs. However, he proceeded to the register, ordered an 8 Piece Grilled Chicken Bucket with extra napkins and headed to the restroom.

That’s when customers at the restaurant, who were seated near the bathroom, began to hear grunting, moaning and banging noises. Danny Evans, who was seated nearby, said he went in to the restroom to investigate. “I grab my cell phone because I thought I might have to call 911,” said Evans. “But when I went in there, I saw this dude with a KFC bucket on his head getting off on himself with a big container of Crisco next to him. But the worst part, was what he was doing with the chicken. So I took a picture and ran out!”

The “worst part” that Evans was referring to was described by the KFC employee that went in there after Evans left. “This man Willie had apparently peeled off the chicken skin, slapped it around his genitals with some Crisco and was ‘beating it’ like it stole something. Someone else is going to have to clean that up, not me! They don’t pay me enough for this sh*t.”

It took about 45 minutes to detain White according to witnesses. “The cops came, but nobody wanted to cuff him,” said Susie Marx, a customer in the restaurant at the time. “They just kept saying they didn’t know what was Crisco and what was semen so they were refusing to touch him. Eventually, they flipped a coin. You should’ve seen the look on the unlucky cops face!”

White was arrested and booked into the County jail on a $5000 bond.